


you can't break that which isn't yours

by owlinaminor



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Character Study, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 02:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2796845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlinaminor/pseuds/owlinaminor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nebula has always been best at breaking.  (She is ready to put herself back together.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	you can't break that which isn't yours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [prolethean (acesmcgee)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/acesmcgee/gifts).



> thank you to prolethean for the prompt - I hope you don't mind that I took "whatever your heart desires" to mean "Nebula angsting all over the place." :)
> 
> (the title is from Regina Spektor's song Apres Moi.)

Nebula has always been best at breaking.

Since the very beginning – when she was torn into a thousand old pieces and put together with a thousand new, wiring replacing blood and switches replacing soul – she has been broken.  She emerged from that steel operating prison shiny and ruthless, fists built for hitting and nails for slashing.  Thanos told her to destroy, and she obeyed.

(Before the beginning, she was happy.  But she cannot quite recall the sensation.)

_&_  

Nebula meets a girl with skin the color of a forest in spring and hair the color of nightshade.  The girl calls herself Gamora and she calls herself sister, and she teaches Nebula to run through the palace undetected and to laugh at the guards when they fail to catch her.

During the day, beneath the scorching light of a too-close sun, Gamora and Nebula spar for Thanos.  “Faster,” he tells them.  “Harder.”  They snarl, ruthless machinery designed to hurt and operating at maximum capacity.  Thanos likes Gamora best, but he pushes Nebula to beat her, to take her down a peg or a limb, and Nebula does her best to please him.

And at night, Nebula wakes screaming from visions of a family she can’t remember to Gamora sitting at her bedside.  She sings ancient songs, the songs of her people, and even though Nebula doesn’t understand a word, she loves the simple comfort in the melodies.

 & _  
_

“Destroy,” Thanos says, and they obey.

Every corner of the galaxy meets their wrath, sliced into neat pieces and distributed, an even percentage for each planet.  It’s simple, really: Thanos gives them a mission, they fly, they land, and they kill.  They break buildings, families, nations.  No army stands a chance – no weapons are stronger than this, brute force engineered into perfect rage.

At the end of the day, they board their ships and fly off, cries of _murderer_ and _we will never forgive_ ringing in their ears.  Their hearts harder – their hearts can do little else.

_&_

It would be so easy for weapons to lose all traces of their humanity, but Gamora is determined to keep the tiniest spark burning, and she drags Nebula down with her.

When they are alone, they talk of the books they’ve smuggled past Thanos’ armies, the games they’ve devised on long flights, the stars up above their heads.  Nobody ever thought to teach them philosophy, so they figure it out themselves.  It’s simple, as long as they don’t talk about the people they’ve broken.

And then, one night, Nebula wonders what it would be like to kiss someone else, the way the great writers speak of in their great novels.

Gamora moves closer, and asks if she is willing to find out for herself.

(Later, Nebula bites Gamora’s neck hard enough to draw blood – it tastes of burnished copper, and everything suddenly seems more real.)

_&_

They are sisters.

Thanos sends them to do his dirty work, and they use his armory as a classroom in which to teach themselves love.  It may not be the love of any storybook, but it has all the right pieces – connection, compassion, trust.  So what if the pieces don’t quite line up the right way?  They can make it work.

Sisters, partners, lovers.  No word quite fits – none is powerful enough.  They are two stars in dual orbit with no planets to disrupt their gravitational rule.  They are the conquerors people will fear for centuries to come.  They are keeping each other alive.

_&_

Of course, Nebula is unsurprised when the unspoken thing between them breaks.

Gamora flees, because she has been aching to escape her entire life, it was only a matter of time – and if she ever meant to bring her sister, surely she would have mentioned it.  Surely she would have asked for help plotting an escape, researching how to survive on her own, theorizing what Thanos’ inevitable backlash might have been.  Surely she would have trusted –

But instead, Gamora is locked in a prison on the other side of the galaxy and Nebula is left to finish her job, pretending that half of her soul wasn’t torn out.

_&_

The break from Thanos is all too easy. 

A few words and Nebula’s switched sides, demanding vengeance as though it is her due, as though the innocents whose lives she took would be any quicker to forgive her.  Her new ally quickly proves incompetent, with his dark warpaint and his wide declarations of grandeur.  (He has too much anger and not enough pain.)  She does not trust him – she only needs him for a few minutes.

She only needs him long enough to plan a swift exit.

_&_  

Nebula does not say:

“ _I hate him as much as you, why did you not ask me for help?_ ”

“ _Did what we have mean nothing to you?_ ”

“ _Please don’t abandon me.  I don’t know if I can stay human without you.”_

(She snarls and she slashes, instead.  She breaks, because breaking is what she’s always done best.)

_&_

Escape is nothing like in the books – more crashing, less flying.

She watches from a distance as a ship crashes into Ronan’s cruiser, the glass panes shattering as easily as the arteries of a heart.  It is of little concern to Nebula how this battle ends – Thanos sits idly on his throne in another solar system, and if he cares little enough to stay, she cares little enough to leave.

She tells herself that it matters not, whether Gamora and her strange team of allies manages to save the planet.  Gamora is a traitor, not a sister.  Gamora could perish, and she would not spare a thought.

(Nebula knows all too well how to lie to herself.)

_&_

Nebula keeps the ship in good condition.

Flying it is simple – it’s made of wiring and computer chips, hard metal and sharp edges, just like her.  She flies until she is billions of miles away from Thanos, and then she flies more.  She speaks little, for there is nobody to speak to – until, one day, the computer asks her if she is still breathing, and she breaks down and cries, right there in the tiny control room.

Her tears taste of burnished copper, and she remembers nightshade and a forest in spring.  She pictures her sister’s face and wonders if she can be forgiven.  Perhaps, if she and Gamora traverse the universe together a second time, planting trees where they once scorched houses, they can atone.  Perhaps.

It is a relief to learn that she _can_ cry, after all.

_&_

There is a number sitting on the top of Nebula’s ship’s screen – she found it weeks ago by hacking the Nova Corps’ database.  It is the code to open communications with a certain ship.

One day – not today and not tomorrow, but soon – Nebula will call it.

(She has been broken long enough.  She is ready to put herself back together.)


End file.
